Sorry...

i do have a lot of crazyness going on in my head right now...and alot of questions and things to think about, but i thought i'd write a fun post.

i went for a long run tonight by myself on the canal and it was wonderful. i went to a human trafficking workshop tonight and it was awesome to hear one lady's story and to see how God puts you in places for specific reasons...
i made some new beads today using water color paper. they came out cool. :]
and i just won a game of SORRY. my host kids john, libby, rachel and i all played and i told them that even though i was losing horribly i would come back and win...i drew and 11 and took the game!

tomorrow. i will be swimming!!!! and finally eating a meal with my host family. there are alot of good things amongst the crazyness. :]

you know you are a servant, when you are treated like one....

so. the first week of mission indy has come to a close. it was fantatic, challenging, tiring, and so fun! :] [[we made it through one week! ]]

i never expected for God to open my eyes to so many things...or teach me so many things.

i am realizing that the person i think i am, is not who i am at all. i led the devotional on accepting others this week and as i was preparing, i felt so inadequate, because i don't accept people. i think i do, i act like i do, i tell other people how important it is, but there are so many times that i just judge people, and don't accept them. i have allowed myself to become too prideful, to think that i have everything together, and i don't. and it is HARD to realize that...because we want to be perfect, we want to have 'everything together,' we don't want to seem weak. we want to be self-sufficient. but oh, how we need Jesus. I need Him desperately. i know i couldn't have done this week without Him and i can't process all i'm learning without Him.

the youth pastor of the group i was working with for VBS said in their debriefing time...are you a lion tamer, or a lion chaser? do you tame or chase? so i thought about it, do i actively look for opportunities, am i intentional (i talk ALOT about how important it is to be intentional, but do i actually do it?), or do i just sit around and wait for things to come? i was talking with another intern this week about what we were learning (God is ruining all of our lives by the way :] )and how we get information and think about how we can use it in the future...once MI is over, how will i change at school? then she said, why am i not doing it here? because if i can't take what i learned today, and apply it today, then how will i be able to apply it tomorrow, or in the future. i need to stop making excuses for why i'm not being intentional, and just do it. i need to accept my neighbor, love others, serve others...now.

during that same debriefing time, the youth pastor's wife shared what she had been thinking about in regards to worship-singing time. she wondered if Jesus was in the room as we are singing our songs, would we be standing still, arms at our sides? interesting to think about...which leads to my next thought.

why do we do what we do? why do we serve? i know i mentioned it in a previous post...but seriously, why? who am i trying to please? is God in everything i do, everything i think, every action, every thought?

then thursday came. and a former MI intern spoke. 'you know you are a servant, when you are treated like one.' what? i like this quote so much, but someone brought up the point, what if i am never treated like a servant. she spoke sharing and asked what holds us back from sharing with one another...pride and fear. it comes back to being intentional... and transparent. in urban, cook talked about 'white polite' and in the class and even in our discussions with the pastor at englewood (church MI is located in and church some of the host families attend) about how in the city, everything is in the open, but in suburbia, everyone hides behind a mask. there is such a dicotomy between the city and suburbia i feel like. there is hurt and pain in suburbia just like in the city, only its a different hurt and pain and it is dealt with in a very different way. what i love about the city is that people are so open and honest. people seem to genuinely care about one another. at englewood, it is clear to see the makings of what a community actually looks like. i am learning so much about community and what it means and what it looks like...and for me, i see it so much more clearly in the city, where i am at right now...i don't know if i made sense...still thinking through this...

'from brokenness to community.' it is seriously one of the best books i have ever read and i got myself a copy and i was tranferring notes from the other book to my book and i was reading as i was copying..."Jesus came to bring the good news to the poor, not those who serve the poor! ...we can only truly experience the good news, in and through our own poverty, because the kingdom of God belongs to the poor, the poor in spirit, the poor who are crying out for love..."

Jesus is preaching right to me with this quote: "it seems clear that if someone is called to live with wounded people, he or she has to discover the presence of God there --that God is present in the poverty and wounds of thier hearts. God is not just present in their capacity to heal but rather in their need to be healed. We can only truly love people who are different, we can only discover that differnece is a treasure and not a threat, if in some way our hearts are beoming enfolded in the heart of the Father, if somehwere God is putting into our brooken hearts that love that is in God's own heart for each and every human being. For God is truly in love with people, and with every individual human being."

i am learning to discover that God is present...because too many times i get wrapped up in the pain and the hurt and the brokenness and get angry at God, and i MUST remember, that He is already there working, that His heart breaks even more than mine, and to rely on Him for strength.

wah. lots to think about....

the week:

sunday. got stuff set up, met the groups, had worship, played some great games.

monday. a long day of VBS planning. beautiful weather.

tuesday. first day of VBS. we planned for 45/50 kids, expected 40-ish and got 15 on the first day, which was a little disappointing, but still fun. we had a few older girls (11-13) and a few older boys (10-12), which i was not expecting. it was cool though because, we had 2 extra interns (megan m & megan b.) helpers because we did not have enough groups or work projects to have them at a site. so megan m. asked about having a class for the older girls. what a blessing! it was so cool to see God work it out. she was so great with the girls and if God had not put her at VBS this week, those girls may not have come back after the first day. and one of the guys from the church lead a group with the older boys, and the guys from our church group helped out too. megan b. rocked it with crafts ALL week. and tracy and joe's lessons were so great!

on the worksite. we scrapped ALL day

wednesday: more VBS. and Bazbeaux Pizza and some ultimate frisbee. amazing pizza. good fun. more scrapping.

thursday: was a rough day. stressful day at VBS...and it rained all day, so we were not able to go to the worksite. so we painted the inside of the sanctuary of the church. the same off-white color it already was....

friday. great last day of VBS. had a cook-out with the church. one group went to the house we had been working on in the morning and scrapped and primed the front. so after VBS we went to help out. we got the back primed...and scrapped more. and had a good night with the church groups.

...sleeping in tomorrow. mango for breakfast....

*i have given up on trying to write less...novels will have to do. :]

coffee.

so. tomorrow is the DAY!!

i'm packing now...or at least attempting to pack. i HATE packing. :/

i have to be at church at 8:15 tomorrow...and church is 30 minutes away...and i have to get gas. ive decided that it will be a coffee morning tomorrow! :]

i'm SO EXCITED and ready for Mission Indy week...and VBS. keep us all in your prayers, especially that everyone stays well.

and pray for changed hearts...and ruined lives. :]

a glimpse

when you get the smallest glimpse of why God put you where you are...it's crazy.

i just read 'from brokenness to community' and my eyes are opened even more. it's just cool to look at a few months ago and the time leading up to where i am now, and to see how God prepared me and how i got here.

i am doing a lesson on accepting people for devos one morning. accepting people is one thing i felt i was no good at, and as i prepared the lesson, i felt even more inadequate. but then God allowed me to meet a gal, at my ministry, who gave me this book, and it talks all about accepting people. i will write more about it later because i am still processing...

'there are my own fears and anguish, the fear of being devalued or pushed aside, the fear of opening up my heart and of being vulnerable or of feeling helpless in front of others in pain; there is the pain and brokenness of my own heart...the important thing is to become conscious of those forces in us and to work at being liberated from them and to discover that the worst enemy is inside our own hearts not outside!'

this whole coming to the city, 'serving', helping (fixing) people...why am i doing it? is it to make myself feel good? yes. am i making myself higher than 'them', thinking that i have it all together, that i have all the answers? yes. have i turned from 'them' and 'us' to 'we?' no. i am just like 'them.' the only difference may be that i have more stuff. God is working, breaking down walls of pride and self-sufficiency.

hmmm....im getting in too deep at the moment, gotta get ready to deliver stuff for SUNDAY!!! more to come.

'from brokenness to community' -jean vanier

so i'm sitting in my host house. in my room. after a run. with no AC. and i feel sticky. but good. :] it's been a busy week. today i was able to get most of the things for VBS and do most all of my packing. so i think they don't sell swedish fish at walmart because i looked today...and sadly no fish....i went running tonight. on Sunday i was all over it and ran pretty much the whole 2.4 miles...but today i was struggling. which makes me quite upset, but i'm working on it.

anyways. the past two days i have been at the Care Center, which helps homeless women and women struggling with addictions. something i have been struggling with lately is the whole institution thing. what is better an institution or association?

the women get up at 6:00am and their day goes until 8:00pm...they have class and chores all day, and have to attend a mandatory 2 hour Bible study everyday... for 18-24 months. when i first got there...i was not sure at all about the whole structure thing; forcing them to go to Bible study, although they know they have to do it when they sign up...but. i talked to 2 ladies yesterday who said that it is important to keep them busy all day to show them that they can have a structured day because alot don't have it otherwise.
there is a policy that if a guest is way for one night, she is not allowed back for 90 days....so say a lady come in and is in the 30 day program, once the thirty days are up, she can go to one of the other 2 shelters for women in the area before she can come back 90 days later. so she goes to another shelter for 30 days, then another for 30 days, but she still has 30 more days before she could come back to the Care Center...so she is out on the streets or something for 30days. think of all that can happen in that time.
and the ladies that come in for the addictions program. there was one lady trying to quit smoking, but she was not allowed to use patches or gum. they want the women to trust in God. now, i know that God can take the addiction away from these women, but for a women who has been an addict for years, and one that may not be a strong Christian, or a Christian at all, going cold turkey has to be incredibly hard...i'm not sure if this way works best, but at the same time, i'm not sure the right answer...

it has just given me alot to think about, especially in regards to social work and what kind of social worker i want to be, and how what i'm learning in classes is different from how i see things or think they should be. to not be discouraged by the education i'm getting...but be open to learning in different ways...if that makes sense. the more i'm down here, the more i struggle with leaning about social work from a text book and taking tests instead of more hands on/experiential learning.

i talked with a gal who graduated IWU a month or so ago and we chatted on injustice, social work, intentional communities, community development and much more and it was so great. it was a huge burst of encouragement to know that God always surrounds us with like-minded people. its hard sometimes to be passionate about issues of justice and reconciliation because i feel like alot of people either don't agree or just nod along with me without really understanding. cool God thing. and i might be living with her next May when...i'm graduated! :]

once again. i wrote a novel. seriously. and this isn't half of what is going on in my head. we have our first Mission Indy week on Sunday!!!! i am so stoked! we have all kinds of cool stuff planned and i think its going to be the bomb. tomorrow i get to cut black dots and yellow stars and laminate them for a skit. never used a laminater before so it should be quite an experience. Ron gave me an art project of creating an encouragement board. pretty excited about it...you know me and art and being crafty. :]] and a meeting about human trafficking stuff in Indy. pretty ready for that too.

so. bought some almonds today. looking forward to eating them. but they have this weird powder-y salt stuff. not sure how i feel about them....but pretty sad they don't taste better.

enough babble.
:]]

from brokenness to community by. jean vanier. what i'm reading.

time.

i seem to have no time these days. except now...
a few of us played Ultimate Frisbee for like 2 hours last night!

i slept til 12:09 this afternoon...which was so great! had some lunch with a few of the interns, shopped a bit on Mass. Ave. check out Global Gifts. such a cool store. lots of fair-trade stuff.
http://www./globalgiftsindy.com/

hung out in *bucks for a bit catching up on work, journaling, did a bit of Bible reading and talking to a guy sitting by me. came home and actually read for a bit. CompassionART. a group of Christian artists made a CD to raise awareness on poverty and injustice...then decided to write a book about it. it's good so far.
http://www.compassionart.tv/

*cool quote from the book:
...art can make a difference. it doesn't have to be about us - it can drive us out and raise money and teach and inspire and cheer people on as they put faith into action.


ah. i love it. i love art. that is exactly how i feel about it....i want to be an artist out by the beach.

**beautiful baby...with 14 broken bones. only 2 months old. **





still working on processing. i thought i'd just try and write a happy blog today.well. the broken bones thing isn't too happy, but something i'm processing and working through. and the baby is just too cute.:]

hanging out with The Greiner's tonight. i start at the Care Center on Monday...i'm a bit nervous/not sure how to feel about it. then i plan W/R/F. knitting with my XJC girls on Monday and magazine beads on Wednesday. and a meeting about Human Trafficking on Thursday!! busy week...but i'm ready for it.

all for now.
peace.

o sweet apathy...

a few opening things:
God just doesn't quit. ever. He never stops ruining people's lives.

i got my hair cut this weekend...it's so short. i feel like a boy. and i complain about it.

i wish i could update this everyday because i feel like by the time i actually get around to writing...i write a novel.

i am slowly, but surely working on playing the guitar. i know a phrase in spanish...and i've been running a few times. twice this week. i am determined to play guitar, know some spanish, and run 3 miles with ease by the end of the summer. :]

tonight, although the children's museum was under alot of construction and they didn't have many cool exhibits, our team night at the museum was quite fun...and baxbeaux pizza. a-MAZING. so good. i seriously love every intern. they are some of the greatest people i have ever met and i am so privileged to be working with them this summer.

[[for my thuggies. i got the journal. many did not follow the rules. ;/ ]]
...............................................................................................

so. this week. crazy and busy and God keeps ruining me.
monday was great because we checked out alot of different ministries and all the cool things they are doing. we did some planning...alot of planning tues/wed....today we painted all day which was great...and tomorrow is our last day of training. off to our ministries next week. and planning VBS stuff! :]

ill be honest. going into this internship, i thought i had an upper hand. i had taken papa c's urban class, read a few books, volunteered in the inner city....i thought i'd be more knowledgeable than most of the interns. what does God do?? SLAP me in my face and tell me that i know nothing. i have been challenged sooooooooooo much this week, and last. i have learned so much that i am having the hardest time even formulating it into specific thoughts to write out.

here are some things.

**everything in the city is about community and relationships. EVERYTHING.
**assest based community development (abcd): using what the community already has, and using that for development and restoration. so much different from need based community development and as a social worker...we are taught need based CD, so how to i work the two things together...or focus on ABCD? which i think is fantastic.
*individuals, associations, institutions, businesses...
**the word "client" is very demeening and puts the person in a low position. why do we use it as social workers?
**is the church an institution or association?
**why am i doing what im doing? is it because i love people...or because i love Jesus??
**why do i believe what i believe??
**social justice? what is it? something you cannot have apart from God.
**how "rich" or how "poor" are Christians called to be? how do we define the things we "need?"
***i LOVE that i am learning and being challenged...and that God is again, ruining my life. but sometimes...and i almost HATE that i think this...i wish my eyes hadn't been opened because it feels so much easier to be apathetic and pretend things don't exist, than to actually step alongside people and hurt with them and carry their burdens and fight for justice.

just a few thoughts and questions...and ideas that ministry leaders have challenged me with.

we were in session for the book today and someone said..."we keep asking, 'what do we do? what do we do?' and it seems like being rooted in Scripture is what we need to do."

we joke that we wish we could read the whole Bible in a day, so that we have all the knowledge...but if i only had time to actually do it. my amazing host family gave my like 5-6 books to read this summer and i'm a page and a half into the intro of one of the books.
..............................
so. as not to rumble for another million paragraphs. ill end here. and hopefully write more later. im ready for a weekend. hopefully a relaxing one, with lots of reading :]